Counseling to Help You Reconnect

Depression + Self-Talk Can you hear that little voice in your head? It’s the one when you’re at the grocery store and you were supposed to get 3 things and you can’t remember the 3rd thing. “Dang it, what was that last thing that I needed to get? It wasn’t milk because we have milk. Was it something in the produce section? Ugh, I can’t remember.” Psychologist Ethan Kross write a book about this called “Chatter.” Chatter is when normal factual self-talk changes to darker more accusatory and judgmental words. “You screw everything up. Can’t you ever do anything right?” “No one else struggles with this and here you are frozen and stuck in it doing the same stupid thing over and over again. You’re so pathetic.” Chatter is only going to fuel your depression. Here are 3 ways to quiet the chatter in your head: 1. Separate FACT from ASSUMPTION – • It can only officially be a FACT if someone else has literally said it to you. I heard a quote recently that said, “Imposter syndrome is the fear that other people are judging you as harshly as you are judging yourself.” They aren’t. 2. Identify Negative Beliefs and where they came from – • Negative Beliefs sound like “I” Statements. “I’m not good enough” or “I’m unworthy of love.” You might want to find a good counselor to help you work through these. 3. Journaling – • Write down a response to your own chatter as if you were responding to a friend who came to you asking your opinion about their inner voice. We’re usually kinder to others than we are to ourselves unfortunately. Homework: Take 60 seconds and think about which Negative Belief seems to pop up in your head most often to keep depression alive and well? We all have at least one. What’s yours?

Depression and Movement Alright, you knew it was coming. This is the 2nd most important way to beat depression. The 1st is Connection. You can’t beat this thing alone. The 2nd is Exercise or Movement. I say movement because when you’re struggling, you probably don’t feel like training for a marathon or joining a CrossFit gym. But when you don’t move at all, you don’t grow at all. Depression tells us to close the blinds and to lay in bed all day long in the dark accomplishing nothing. All that is going to do is stir up more Depression. Movement gives us a small goal to achieve and it get our muscles engaged and our blood and brain chemicals flowing again. You are just simply going to feel more alive. Here are 3 simple ways to start moving again: 1. Begin with gentle movement. • It doesn’t have to involve sweating • Try a yoga video on YouTube or just • Do 5 minutes of stretching 2. Set a reminder to do three 5-minute mood walks during the day • Walk around the building at work • Walk around the house on a rainy day • Notice your breath and the cadence of your arms and legs swinging back and forth 3. Make movement enjoyable • Walk to an enjoyable destination like the local bakery or to your favorite spot on the greenway to get a picture of a waterfall • Listen to your favorite music or podcast • Socialize while moving like the old ladies power walking at the mall Homework: Try doing some sort of new movement this week that’s out of the norm for you and let the rest of us know what you did and if it made you feel better.

Depression + Routine Habits Ask any Kindergarten teacher if structure and routine is important. I think we crave comfort and consistency of what we know because it makes us feel safe. We like our favorite food at our favorite restaurant and we sit in the same place at church most of the time. But when depression hits, it can throw off our healthy routines and even spiral us into unhealthy habits. If you’re battling some depression you might be letting some stuff slide, like cleaning the house, eating healthy, or getting to work on time. 3 Ways to Reignite Healthy Routines: 1. Write it down – • Write down a checklist of to-do items the night before for what I plan to accomplish the next day. These can be big goal like filing your taxes or small personal hygiene goals like brushing your teeth. 2. Use accountability – • Piggyback onto someone else’s routine. If you know your buddy goes to the gym every morning at 5am, ask if he will call you every morning for a month until you create your own habit. 3. Reward consistency, not intensity, growth, or perfection – • We’re looking for reps. So what if you didn’t talk to anyone at church or sign up to serve in the children’s ministry. You showed up 5 Sundays in a row! That’s fantastic! Now go get ice cream! Homework: Pick one thing you need to get back into the routine of doing and try one of ideas above and tell us how you did.

Depression + Meaning Viktor Frankl, a psychiatrist during WW2, was imprisoned in a concentration camp for most of the war and when the war ended he wrote a book titled “Man’s Search for Meaning.” He believed that the absence of meaning is what leads to depression. Out of his experiences, he developed a therapy technique to help people find meaning in their lives. So if a lack of meaning is fueling some of your depression, here’s what Dr. Frankl would suggest. 1. Contribute to the world through work, projects, or any form of creation that brings a sense of purpose. • You were created for a unique purpose that only you can fulfill. What is it? 2. Experience the world, including appreciating beauty, encountering love, and engaging with others. • You were created to live, not to scroll. What did you experience today that made you feel alive? 3. Choose a positive, responsible attitude towards unavoidable suffering, such as illness or loss. • You were created to be resilient and live in hope. What hard thing have you overcome because you are strong? Homework: • I want you to write down which of those 3 might be lacking in your life right now. • Then I want you to write down one small way that you can go meet that need for meaning in your life.

Depression + Loneliness The thing that is worse than hurting is hurting alone. But there’s a difference in being alone and being lonely. Sometimes we experience extreme loneliness even when we’re surrounded by people. Loneliness is about an internal disconnection, not being known, not fitting in, not belonging, and feeling different. Alone means, literally isolated, no one around, standing in the middle of the woods where no one can hear you even if you screamed. Loneliness is an alarm like the fuel light on the dash alerting us that we’re nearing empty and need refilling. Part of what drives our depression is a denial of our loneliness and an attitude of “I don’t need anyone. I’m strong and independent. I SHOULD be able to handle this on my own.” That’s fine if you want to believe that, but if you ignore the fuel light for too long, you’re going to end up walking home. So what do we do about loneliness? Homework: I want you to ask, “Where do people like me hang out?” because, I guarantee, you’re not the only one struggling with this. • If you’re struggling as a mom with young kids, go find a mom with young kids to be with or even a slightly older mom who just exited that season and can encourage you. • If you’re a man struggling with a secret porn addiction, go to a SA or Celebrate Recovery meeting. There’s no shame there because you’re all there for the same reason. • Find a good counselor. Counselors are trained listeners, validators, encouragers, and connectors. A good counselor will help you put words to your loneliness and help you come up with a plan to meet the cravings of your heart’s desire in healthy ways.