Counseling to Help You Reconnect

9. Walls and Windows In their book Not “Just Friends,” Glass and Staeheli talk about the concept of “Walls and Windows” in a marriage. Picture a house with strong exterior walls to keep out invaders. That house is the marriage. Inside of that house each spouse has a separate room. Their room is their life and self-identity. Now picture a big window between the two spouses’ rooms. This is the healthy connection between the two where love and connection flow freely back and forth. Now picture a struggling marriage where both spouses exchange their window for a wall between the two of them. Then picture one or both spouses putting in a window in the exterior wall where they can begin to exchange love and connection freely with others on the outside. This is how marriages begin to erode and affairs can even begin. 3 Ways to Protect Your Walls and Windows: 1. Boundaries Have a conversation with your spouse about what types of behaviors are acceptable or not acceptable within your relationship to protect it. For instance, “A husband might say that he feels uncomfortable with either of them having a casual 1-on-1 lunch with a coworker of the opposite sex. Keep the outside walls solid. 2. Vulnerability If you’re struggling with beliefs, feelings, or behaviors you must let that information flow freely through the window to your spouse. They can’t know and change what you refuse to share. Keep the window clear and open. 3. Awareness Regularly check on the window. Ask one another: “Do you feel like you can come to me with things? Are you feeling fulfilled with me?” Regularly check on the walls. Ask one another: “Are there any concerns you see in us lately that has weakened our walls? What outside forces are pressing in on us and trying to knock us down?” Go Time: Discuss this windows and walls concept from Glass and Staeheli together and think about how it may or may not apply to your marriage. Every day I help hurting frazzled people by walking with them as they get back on the path toward becoming who God created them to be. Shoot me an email if there’s anything I can do to help you or someone you know. daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com

8. Eliminate Criticism I recently heard a challenge on a podcast that said, “Try to completely eliminate criticism from your marriage.” Criticism might be one of the greatest threats to a marriage. Dr. John Gottman certainly thinks so. He even names Criticism as one of his “Four Horsemen” that signal that the end of your marriage may be near. *See Gottman’s excellent book “The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work” for more on this. Eliminating criticism doesn’t mean that you can’t disagree with your spouse. It just means that you’re not going to tear your spouse down as a person with your disagreements. Here are 3 ways to eliminate criticism: 1. “Use a gentle startup and ask for what you want.” *Gottman Straight from Gottman, try being nice and making a specific request rather than telling your spouse how terrible they are for not meeting your requests. 2. Focus on the positive Every person has positive and negative characteristics. Which ones are you focused more on? Try noticing and speaking the positives rather than the negatives. 3. Use “I” statements Rather than saying: “YOU always start a fight when we talk about money.” Trying saying: “I’M struggling with how we can’t talk about the finances without fighting and I want us to learn to do it better. It’s Go Time: Do a quick Google search of Gottman’s 4 Horsemen and do a little self-inventory of what areas you need to work on. Every day I help hurting frazzled people by walking with them as they get back on the path toward becoming who God created them to be. Shoot me an email if there’s anything I can do to help you or someone you know. daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com

“The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” by Stephen Covey is one of those classic must read self-help books. It’s a book about how to win at work and at life. Covey’s main idea in the book is that to change our lives, we must first change ourselves. To change ourselves, we must change the way we look at the world and others, a perspective shift. The 7 habits are mostly common sense, but as we all see out in the world everyday, common sense isn’t very common anymore is it? With our devices and deadlines vying for more of our attention, self-discipline seems to have all but disappeared. Covey challenges us to take back control of our noisy world around us and be more of a proactive thinker than a reactive responder. How to manage our priorities, negotiate, make the most of the time we have, listen well, and take care of ourselves seem like age old principles, yet none of us seem to have perfected them yet. So, go grab this one. If you’re a business leader, employee, or just a person who interacts with other people, you’ll find practical tips for a better life in “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” by Stephen Covey.

8. Eliminate Criticism I recently heard a challenge on a podcast that said, “Try to completely eliminate criticism from your marriage.” Criticism might be one of the greatest threats to a marriage. Dr. John Gottman certainly thinks so. He even names Criticism as one of his “Four Horsemen” that signal that the end of your marriage may be near. *See Gottman’s excellent book “The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work” for more on this. Eliminating criticism doesn’t mean that you can’t disagree with your spouse. It just means that you’re not going to tear your spouse down as a person with your disagreements. Here are 3 ways to eliminate criticism: 1. “Use a gentle startup and ask for what you want.” *Gottman Straight from Gottman, try being nice and making a specific request rather than telling your spouse how terrible they are for not meeting your requests. 2. Focus on the positive Every person has positive and negative characteristics. Which ones are you focused more on? Try noticing and speaking the positives rather than the negatives. 3. Use “I” statements Rather than saying: “YOU always start a fight when we talk about money.” Trying saying: “I’M struggling with how we can’t talk about the finances without fighting and I want us to learn to do it better. It’s Go Time: Do a quick Google search of Gottman’s 4 Horsemen and do a little self-inventory of what areas you need to work on. Every day I help hurting frazzled people by walking with them as they get back on the path toward becoming who God created them to be. Shoot me an email if there’s anything I can do to help you or someone you know. daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com

7. Reestablish Safety One of the most pivotal steps to healing a struggling marriage is reestablishing safety. When I say “safety” I typically mean emotional safety. If you’re hitting and throwing things at one another then we have bigger problems to address. Emotional safety lets us both let down our guards and become our real selves again. Without emotional safety, we can’t have healing conversations because we’re still having survival conversations. The challenge is you may be the one who should act first. If you become safe for your spouse they may slowly begin to let down their guard as well. Here are 3 ways to show your spouse that you are safe: 1. Validation Find a point in your spouse’s argument that you can agree with and tell them that. Let them know that you see their point on that part of the argument. 2. Transparency Be open and honest. Go first in showing them the evidence they’re asking for. Go above and beyond to let them see all your cards in the argument. 3. Consistency Keeping a small promise creates emotional safety because your spouse will begin to be able to count on you again. Small things grow into bigger things, good and bad. It’s Go Time: In your latest “spirited discussion” what is a point that you partner was trying to make that you can go to them and tell them you agree on? It’s a start! Every day I help hurting frazzled people by walking with them as they get back on the path toward becoming who God created them to be. Shoot me an email if there’s anything I can do to help you or someone you know. daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com