Articles

16. Go All In One of the most challenging things I see in my office with couples is a hesitancy to really go all-in on their marriage. If your marriage has gone through some difficulty lately, it’s hard to be all-in. We’re fearful and we want to protect ourselves from being hurt even more. Staying limbo doesn’t make for a good relationship. A contractor wouldn’t start building you a house until you’re all in and have signed the contract. A doctor won’t operate until you’re signed the paperwork saying you agree to the procedure. So how can you go all in? Here are 3 ideas: 1. Recognize the risks – Let’s apply some logic to this and admit that it could crash and burn. Just say that aloud! Now, write down worst case scenario and tell yourself what you would do if that happened. Chances are this is not a life ending decision to go all-in. 2. Clearly communicate deal breakers – Don’t tolerate the intolerable. If there’s a deal breaking behavior occurring, then break the deal. If an affair happens again, and again, and again, it’s probably time to stop kicking the can down the road and hit the eject button. 3. Choose to see the good – I know there WAS hurt in the past, but I want you to try to see the possible good in the future that will only come with being all-in. Is the good, good enough to justify taking the risk of going all-in. It’s Go Time: If you’re still wavering on going all-in, there may be more going on beneath the surface. Go talk to a good pastor or counselor who can help you dig and give you a different perspective on why you’re struggling to take that big step IN or OUT. Every day I help hurting frazzled people by walking with them as they get back on the path toward becoming who God created them to be. Shoot me an email if there’s anything I can do to help you or someone you know. daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com

“Tuesdays with Morrie” by Mitch Albom is one of those must-read classics. It’s a hard read at times and it’ll have you tearing up. It’s a true story, a memoir of sorts, written by Albom. His favorite college professor Morrie develops the disease ALS and the book walks us through several week’s worth of conversations the two had together. Albom would go to Morrie’s house every Tuesday and visit with him as the disease progressed. The two move from student and pupil to close intimate friends as Morrie shares his thoughts on living life, ending life, and everything in between. There’s so much wisdom packed into this little book that you can’t read it without realizing some things in your own life that are poorly prioritized. It made me take stock of what is really important and ask the question, “Why do I stress about the things I do?” Relationships are more important than money, sex, and power. It’s more about how we live our lives and the legacy we leave behind than what we accomplished and what we can accumulate while we’re here. If you’re ready for a reset then start with “Tuesdays with Morrie” by Mitch Albom.

16. Go All In One of the most challenging things I see in my office with couples is a hesitancy to really go all-in on their marriage. If your marriage has gone through some difficulty lately, it’s hard to be all-in. We’re fearful and we want to protect ourselves from being hurt even more. Staying limbo doesn’t make for a good relationship. A contractor wouldn’t start building you a house until you’re all in and have signed the contract. A doctor won’t operate until you’re signed the paperwork saying you agree to the procedure. So how can you go all in? Here are 3 ideas: 1. Recognize the risks – Let’s apply some logic to this and admit that it could crash and burn. Just say that aloud! Now, write down worst case scenario and tell yourself what you would do if that happened. Chances are this is not a life ending decision to go all-in. 2. Clearly communicate deal breakers – Don’t tolerate the intolerable. If there’s a deal breaking behavior occurring, then break the deal. If an affair happens again, and again, and again, it’s probably time to stop kicking the can down the road and hit the eject button. 3. Choose to see the good – I know there WAS hurt in the past, but I want you to try to see the possible good in the future that will only come with being all-in. Is the good, good enough to justify taking the risk of going all-in. It’s Go Time: If you’re still wavering on going all-in, there may be more going on beneath the surface. Go talk to a good pastor or counselor who can help you dig and give you a different perspective on why you’re struggling to take that big step IN or OUT. Every day I help hurting frazzled people by walking with them as they get back on the path toward becoming who God created them to be. Shoot me an email if there’s anything I can do to help you or someone you know. daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com

15. Love is a Choice Our culture has distorted the idea of LOVE. How’s that for directness? Hollywood’s idea of love…Tik Tok’s idea of love…Our neighbor’s idea of love… So what is love anyway?! Love is the choice to seek only the best. It’s not just a feeling in the moment. It’s not just a logical thought either. It’s all of it wrapped up together. Jesus said, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’” See where he said it takes the “heart, soul, and mind?” That’s complex! This means that I should seek the best relationship with God, the best relationship with others, and the best relationship with myself. Sometimes choosing what is best turns out to be what is the most difficult. So what can help us choose love? Here are 3 ideas from Robert Sternberg, a psychologist that studied love. 1. Intimacy – Do you have fun together? Would you rather spend the day with your spouse or with anyone but your spouse? Do you play, tease, joke, talk, and dream together? Can you have conversations about hard things? 2. Passion – How’s your sex life? Is it growing and deepening or is it on the back burner and just a chore to check off the list? Do you kiss? Do you really kiss, like more than a peck on the cheek while walking out the door? Do you admire your spouse. Do you check them out when they walk away? Do you hug long and often? 3. Commitment – How strong is your trust in your marriage? Do you feel secure? Can you talk to your spouse about it if you don’t feel secure? Do you believe that you’d stay married even through a miscarriage, a life changing medical crisis, financial ruin, or an affair? It’s Go Time: Are your answers mostly positive to the above or do you need to get to work and begin making your love foundation a bit more solid? Maybe talk to your spouse about these big 3. Maybe call and set up an appointment with a counselor. Every day I help hurting frazzled people by walking with them as they get back on the path toward becoming who God created them to be. Shoot me an email if there’s anything I can do to help you or someone you know. daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com

In “The E-Myth,” Michael Gerber tackles the difficult ideas of entrepreneurship. There’s a growing trend in our culture where we don’t want to work for “The Man.” That leaves us with the dream of starting our own business. The problem is, not everyone is cut out for starting and running a business. Working as a plumber is much different than running a plumbing company. Being able to cook incredible food is much different than being able to run a successful restaurant. Gerber lays out some of the challenges in entrepreneurship and give great advice on what to expect and how to overcome many of the common problems. Delegation, Hiring and Firing, Finances, and Scaling are all topics discussed. It’s a fun and interesting read due in part to how he weaves business advice into a story framework as we get to follow a coaching relationship between a business owner and her business coach. If you own or are thinking of owning a business then this one’s for you. “The E-myth” by Michael Gerber.

15. Love is a Choice Our culture has distorted the idea of LOVE. How’s that for directness? Hollywood’s idea of love…Tik Tok’s idea of love…Our neighbor’s idea of love… So what is love anyway?! Love is the choice to seek only the best. It’s not just a feeling in the moment. It’s not just a logical thought either. It’s all of it wrapped up together. Jesus said, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’” See where he said it takes the “heart, soul, and mind?” That’s complex! This means that I should seek the best relationship with God, the best relationship with others, and the best relationship with myself. Sometimes choosing what is best turns out to be what is the most difficult. So what can help us choose love? Here are 3 ideas from Robert Sternberg, a psychologist that studied love. 1. Intimacy – Do you have fun together? Would you rather spend the day with your spouse or with anyone but your spouse? Do you play, tease, joke, talk, and dream together? Can you have conversations about hard things? 2. Passion – How’s your sex life? Is it growing and deepening or is it on the back burner and just a chore to check off the list? Do you kiss? Do you really kiss, like more than a peck on the cheek while walking out the door? Do you admire your spouse. Do you check them out when they walk away? Do you hug long and often? 3. Commitment – How strong is your trust in your marriage? Do you feel secure? Can you talk to your spouse about it if you don’t feel secure? Do you believe that you’d stay married even through a miscarriage, a life changing medical crisis, financial ruin, or an affair? It’s Go Time: Are your answers mostly positive to the above or do you need to get to work and begin making your love foundation a bit more solid? Maybe talk to your spouse about these big 3. Maybe call and set up an appointment with a counselor. Every day I help hurting frazzled people by walking with them as they get back on the path toward becoming who God created them to be. Shoot me an email if there’s anything I can do to help you or someone you know. daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com

14. “You Can’t Handle the Truth!” That’s a quote by Jack Nicholson. If you haven’t seen the move “A Few Good Men” then it’s a classic! Ok, so what if I told you that your spouse is your best thermometer? Don’t feel good? Feeling hot? “Let’s take your temperature and see if you have a fever.” “I’m not sure if the turkey is done. Let’s check the temperature to see if it’s cooked all the way though.” The thermometer doesn’t lie. It’s just a measure telling you what’s going on inside. When it comes to our marriage, the person closest to us can be extremely important at giving us a reading at how we’re doing. The problem is this: In relationships, we’re often least likely to listen to agree with those who are closest to us. Are you secure and humble enough to recognize that your spouse might be giving you a big ol’ dose of loving Truth? What about if what they’re saying is True even though they’re presenting it in a horribly unloving way? Maybe it’s still true. Here are 3 ways to handle the hard truths: 1. Pick one part – “You might be right about that first part.” Criticism is never easy to stomach, especially if it is delivered poorly, but consider 1 part of what your spouse said that might be true. This will help build a bridge of agreement. 2. Ask a question – “How would you have said it differently?” Rather than defend or offer a rebuttal, ask a follow up or clarifying question to their criticism. It shows you’re engaged and willing to listen. 3. Thank your spouse for the feedback – “Thanks for telling me this rather than just holding it in and letting us get into one of those fights we usually get into. I’ll think more about what you said.” Let them know that you’re safe to come to even if you disagree. Telling someone they’re wrong usually just creates alternating protests. It’s Go Time: The next time someone offers you some constructive (or not so constructive) feedback, try one of the above approaches and see if it doesn’t make the conversation go a lot more smoothly. Every day I help hurting frazzled people by walking with them as they get back on the path toward becoming who God created them to be. Shoot me an email if there’s anything I can do to help you or someone you know. daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com

“The Richest Man in Babylon” by George Clason is a 1926 classic. It’s a short fable about a man in ancient Babylon growing and learning about how to achieve financial success. If the idea of money management, budgeting, saving, and investing bores you to tears then this may be a fun read. It teaches all these concepts but in a story format. Money fights and money problems are also the #1 cause of marital dissatisfaction in our country today. Money can be a touchy subject for some people. It represents Safety Security and Stability for some folks. It represents Fun, Freedom, and Opportunity for others. Whatever group you fall into, money is necessary in our world today. It’s a tool that we use and like all tools, needs to be used responsibly. Use a saw well and you can build something beautiful. Use it poorly and you may lose some fingers. If you wrestle with how to make your money behave, how to be wise with it, how to not get to the end of your money and still have more month to go, this book talks you through simple strategies to grow your wealth and your success. It’s a fun read, and at times I forgot that I was reading a book about money. Look this one up. “The Richest Man in Babylon” by George Clason.