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60 Second Marriage Recap - "You Can't Handle the Truth!"
Daniel Crosby • January 31, 2025
14. “You Can’t Handle the Truth!”
That’s a quote by Jack Nicholson. If you haven’t seen the move “A Few Good Men” then it’s a classic!
Ok, so what if I told you that your spouse is your best thermometer?
Don’t feel good? Feeling hot? “Let’s take your temperature and see if you have a fever.”
“I’m not sure if the turkey is done. Let’s check the temperature to see if it’s cooked all the way though.”
The thermometer doesn’t lie. It’s just a measure telling you what’s going on inside.
When it comes to our marriage, the person closest to us can be extremely important at giving us a reading at how we’re doing. The problem is this: In relationships, we’re often least likely to listen to agree with those who are closest to us.
Are you secure and humble enough to recognize that your spouse might be giving you a big ol’ dose of loving Truth? What about if what they’re saying is True even though they’re presenting it in a horribly unloving way? Maybe it’s still true.
Here are 3 ways to handle the hard truths:
1. Pick one part – “You might be right about that first part.”
Criticism is never easy to stomach, especially if it is delivered poorly, but consider 1 part of what your spouse said that might be true. This will help build a bridge of agreement.
2. Ask a question – “How would you have said it differently?”
Rather than defend or offer a rebuttal, ask a follow up or clarifying question to their criticism. It shows you’re engaged and willing to listen.
3. Thank your spouse for the feedback – “Thanks for telling me this rather than just holding it in and letting us get into one of those fights we usually get into. I’ll think more about what you said.”
Let them know that you’re safe to come to even if you disagree. Telling someone they’re wrong usually just creates alternating protests.
It’s Go Time:
The next time someone offers you some constructive (or not so constructive) feedback, try one of the above approaches and see if it doesn’t make the conversation go a lot more smoothly.
Every day I help hurting frazzled people by walking with them as they get back on the path toward becoming who God created them to be. Shoot me an email if there’s anything I can do to help you or someone you know. daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com
17. Call a Cease Fire The problem with retaliation and revenge is that it becomes perpetual. My attack causes your counterattack causes my sneak attack causes you to launch your nukes and so on. This cycle only stops when one of two things happens. Either one of us destroys the other and the marriage or one of us decides to stop retaliating. I’m challenging you, the one hearing this, to be the one to choose to stop. Here are three ways to stop the ongoing attacks: 1. Put down your gun – This means taking a deep breath, lowering your voice, and sitting down if you’re standing or pacing. In essence, become less of a threat. 2. Surrender…sort of – Waving the white flag isn’t necessarily defeat if you think of it as living to fight another day. Say things like, “I’m tired of fighting.” “I need to stop talking about this for now.” “We can’t keep doing this.” (Refer back to our timeout topic earlier) 3. Begin peace talks – State what’s true like: “I know we love each other AND I also know that we totally disagree about this AND I know there’s a place we can come to an agreement on AND I know right now is not the time to keep going in circles AND I want to talk about it tonight when I get home around 6:30 if you’re willing.” Go Time: Which one of you is the more mature one that is going to choose to stop the cycle? Trick Question! No one wants to be the less mature one. If you’re both trying to be the mature one then this thing might just work out ok! Every day I help hurting frazzled people by walking with them as they get back on the path toward becoming who God created them to be. Shoot me an email if there’s anything I can do to help you or someone you know. daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com
16. Go All In One of the most challenging things I see in my office with couples is a hesitancy to really go all-in on their marriage. If your marriage has gone through some difficulty lately, it’s hard to be all-in. We’re fearful and we want to protect ourselves from being hurt even more. Staying limbo doesn’t make for a good relationship. A contractor wouldn’t start building you a house until you’re all in and have signed the contract. A doctor won’t operate until you’re signed the paperwork saying you agree to the procedure. So how can you go all in? Here are 3 ideas: 1. Recognize the risks – Let’s apply some logic to this and admit that it could crash and burn. Just say that aloud! Now, write down worst case scenario and tell yourself what you would do if that happened. Chances are this is not a life ending decision to go all-in. 2. Clearly communicate deal breakers – Don’t tolerate the intolerable. If there’s a deal breaking behavior occurring, then break the deal. If an affair happens again, and again, and again, it’s probably time to stop kicking the can down the road and hit the eject button. 3. Choose to see the good – I know there WAS hurt in the past, but I want you to try to see the possible good in the future that will only come with being all-in. Is the good, good enough to justify taking the risk of going all-in. It’s Go Time: If you’re still wavering on going all-in, there may be more going on beneath the surface. Go talk to a good pastor or counselor who can help you dig and give you a different perspective on why you’re struggling to take that big step IN or OUT. Every day I help hurting frazzled people by walking with them as they get back on the path toward becoming who God created them to be. Shoot me an email if there’s anything I can do to help you or someone you know. daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com
“Tuesdays with Morrie” by Mitch Albom is one of those must-read classics. It’s a hard read at times and it’ll have you tearing up. It’s a true story, a memoir of sorts, written by Albom. His favorite college professor Morrie develops the disease ALS and the book walks us through several week’s worth of conversations the two had together. Albom would go to Morrie’s house every Tuesday and visit with him as the disease progressed. The two move from student and pupil to close intimate friends as Morrie shares his thoughts on living life, ending life, and everything in between. There’s so much wisdom packed into this little book that you can’t read it without realizing some things in your own life that are poorly prioritized. It made me take stock of what is really important and ask the question, “Why do I stress about the things I do?” Relationships are more important than money, sex, and power. It’s more about how we live our lives and the legacy we leave behind than what we accomplished and what we can accumulate while we’re here. If you’re ready for a reset then start with “Tuesdays with Morrie” by Mitch Albom.
