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60 Second Marriage Recap - Unconditional Love
Daniel Crosby • January 24, 2025
13. Unconditional Love
Does unconditional love exist? I believe it does…
…BUT…
…“But Daniel, I truly loved a person in my past and you can’t imagine the hurt they put me through. I just can’t love them anymore.”
I would argue that the reason you are hurting so much is BECAUSE you love them. Oftentimes the deeper the love, the more the hurt can occur. When we love deeply and open ourselves up vulnerably, we also open ourselves up to deep disappointment.
While I believe Unconditional Love DOES exist, I also believe that Unconditional Boundaries should not.
Part of loving someone is and being loved by them is knowing where the lines are. As the saying goes, “Good fences make good neighbors.” This is true in all relationships.
It is possible to love someone deeply and have to draw a line in what we will and will not tolerate and accept from that person.
It is possible to love someone unconditionally and even have to end that relationship.
Here are 3 ways to practice loving unconditionally:
1. Forgive freely – constantly trying to collect an old debt isn’t unconditional love. We must forgive in order to love freely.
2. Communicate clearly – Neil Strauss said, “Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments.” Be clear in what you expect out of those you love.
3. Accept openly – Recognize that you nor your spouse is perfect. You have just as many annoying things as they do. Love them for who they are.
It’s Go Time:
Do a quick 60 second assessment of your marriage. Ask: “What have I not forgiven?” “What have I not communicated?” “What am I not accepting?” “What boundaries haven’t been set that probably need to be moving forward?”
Every day I help hurting frazzled people by walking with them as they get back on the path toward becoming who God created them to be. Shoot me an email if there’s anything I can do to help you or someone you know. daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com
“The Greatest Generation” by Tom Brokaw ought to be required reading for every high school student. Part of the challenges we have in our time today is that we’ve had it too easy. Not true of The Greatest Generation. Brokaw interviews dozens of the generation that lived through The Great Depression and then went on to serve in World War II. As you read their stories, there is just something different about them. They had to grow up fast and they were accustomed to struggle, hard work, and gratitude. What the lacked was laziness, entitlement, and passing the buck to the next guy. I often marvel when I hear stories about that generation, men and women who lied about their ages so they could join the military early and go to Europe or the Pacific and fight for freedom. Their sense of duty was inspiring. Unfortunately, most of that generation is gone. There are less than 1% of World War II veterans still alive today. Brokaw’s book keeps their wisdom alive though as we can still learn from them. We have a lot to learn from them if we are to keep this great experiment called America still moving forward. If you want a good book that will wow you and maybe humble you a little then go pick up “The Greatest Generation” by Tom Brokaw.
17. Call a Cease Fire The problem with retaliation and revenge is that it becomes perpetual. My attack causes your counterattack causes my sneak attack causes you to launch your nukes and so on. This cycle only stops when one of two things happens. Either one of us destroys the other and the marriage or one of us decides to stop retaliating. I’m challenging you, the one hearing this, to be the one to choose to stop. Here are three ways to stop the ongoing attacks: 1. Put down your gun – This means taking a deep breath, lowering your voice, and sitting down if you’re standing or pacing. In essence, become less of a threat. 2. Surrender…sort of – Waving the white flag isn’t necessarily defeat if you think of it as living to fight another day. Say things like, “I’m tired of fighting.” “I need to stop talking about this for now.” “We can’t keep doing this.” (Refer back to our timeout topic earlier) 3. Begin peace talks – State what’s true like: “I know we love each other AND I also know that we totally disagree about this AND I know there’s a place we can come to an agreement on AND I know right now is not the time to keep going in circles AND I want to talk about it tonight when I get home around 6:30 if you’re willing.” Go Time: Which one of you is the more mature one that is going to choose to stop the cycle? Trick Question! No one wants to be the less mature one. If you’re both trying to be the mature one then this thing might just work out ok! Every day I help hurting frazzled people by walking with them as they get back on the path toward becoming who God created them to be. Shoot me an email if there’s anything I can do to help you or someone you know. daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com
16. Go All In One of the most challenging things I see in my office with couples is a hesitancy to really go all-in on their marriage. If your marriage has gone through some difficulty lately, it’s hard to be all-in. We’re fearful and we want to protect ourselves from being hurt even more. Staying limbo doesn’t make for a good relationship. A contractor wouldn’t start building you a house until you’re all in and have signed the contract. A doctor won’t operate until you’re signed the paperwork saying you agree to the procedure. So how can you go all in? Here are 3 ideas: 1. Recognize the risks – Let’s apply some logic to this and admit that it could crash and burn. Just say that aloud! Now, write down worst case scenario and tell yourself what you would do if that happened. Chances are this is not a life ending decision to go all-in. 2. Clearly communicate deal breakers – Don’t tolerate the intolerable. If there’s a deal breaking behavior occurring, then break the deal. If an affair happens again, and again, and again, it’s probably time to stop kicking the can down the road and hit the eject button. 3. Choose to see the good – I know there WAS hurt in the past, but I want you to try to see the possible good in the future that will only come with being all-in. Is the good, good enough to justify taking the risk of going all-in. It’s Go Time: If you’re still wavering on going all-in, there may be more going on beneath the surface. Go talk to a good pastor or counselor who can help you dig and give you a different perspective on why you’re struggling to take that big step IN or OUT. Every day I help hurting frazzled people by walking with them as they get back on the path toward becoming who God created them to be. Shoot me an email if there’s anything I can do to help you or someone you know. daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com
