One Healthy Way to Handle Intense Marriage Conflict (2 Minute Read)

Daniel Crosby • June 13, 2023

Day 3

At some point in your marriage, you’re going to have a disagreement that just seems insurmountable. Every time you talk about that topic, tempers seem to flare. Sometimes, it’s good to take a break and walk away so you don’t do more damage by saying something in the heat of the moment that you’ll later regret.

Here’s how it works:

1. Anyone can call a timeout at any time. Whichever one of you is the more emotionally in control and more mature will be the one who calls the timeout.

2. Always use the words “I” or “We” when calling a timeout. “I think we need a timeout.” Or “I think I need to take a break and calm down.” Never say, “YOU are out of control and YOU need a timeout.” (You get 1 guess on why I had to add this rule.)

3. Once the timeout has been called, the conversation on this topic is over. Do not be that person that has to get in the last word. Do not follow the other person around the house trying to continue the conversation. That is disrespectful. A cease fire is in effect. You may continue to communicate about other life circumstances, if possible, but this topic is off the table for further discussion at this time.

4. When you call a timeout, you MUST choose a time (preferably the same day) that you will get back together and address the disagreement. “Let’s meet back in the living room at 8pm after the kids are in bed to talk more.”

5. Use the time apart to consider your point as well as the other person’s point. Is this worth arguing about? Could the other person’s point have some validity? Did I come across accusatory or aggressive? Is my pride getting in the way of finding a resolution?

6. Meet back together at your specified time to continue to discuss the problem. Consider listening to one another more than talking at one another. Consider apologizing for your part in the disagreement and how you may have come across earlier.

Homework: Decide whether it’s you or your spouse who is the more mature one…just kidding!

Real Homework: Read these timeout rules aloud with your spouse tonight and ask if you can try to put them into practice if you ever find yourself in a big argument or stalemate.

As always, if you’re stuck then don’t hesitate to reach out to me personally. I help couples reconnect every day and get back on track to having a marriage they’re excited to go home to.

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60 Second Marriage Recap - Call a Cease Fire

By Daniel Crosby • February 21, 2025

17. Call a Cease Fire The problem with retaliation and revenge is that it becomes perpetual. My attack causes your counterattack causes my sneak attack causes you to launch your nukes and so on. This cycle only stops when one of two things happens. Either one of us destroys the other and the marriage or one of us decides to stop retaliating. I’m challenging you, the one hearing this, to be the one to choose to stop. Here are three ways to stop the ongoing attacks: 1. Put down your gun – This means taking a deep breath, lowering your voice, and sitting down if you’re standing or pacing. In essence, become less of a threat. 2. Surrender…sort of – Waving the white flag isn’t necessarily defeat if you think of it as living to fight another day. Say things like, “I’m tired of fighting.” “I need to stop talking about this for now.” “We can’t keep doing this.” (Refer back to our timeout topic earlier) 3. Begin peace talks – State what’s true like: “I know we love each other AND I also know that we totally disagree about this AND I know there’s a place we can come to an agreement on AND I know right now is not the time to keep going in circles AND I want to talk about it tonight when I get home around 6:30 if you’re willing.” Go Time: Which one of you is the more mature one that is going to choose to stop the cycle? Trick Question! No one wants to be the less mature one. If you’re both trying to be the mature one then this thing might just work out ok! Every day I help hurting frazzled people by walking with them as they get back on the path toward becoming who God created them to be. Shoot me an email if there’s anything I can do to help you or someone you know. daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com

"The Greatest Generation" Book Review

By Daniel Crosby • February 19, 2025

“The Greatest Generation” by Tom Brokaw ought to be required reading for every high school student. Part of the challenges we have in our time today is that we’ve had it too easy. Not true of The Greatest Generation. Brokaw interviews dozens of the generation that lived through The Great Depression and then went on to serve in World War II. As you read their stories, there is just something different about them. They had to grow up fast and they were accustomed to struggle, hard work, and gratitude. What the lacked was laziness, entitlement, and passing the buck to the next guy. I often marvel when I hear stories about that generation, men and women who lied about their ages so they could join the military early and go to Europe or the Pacific and fight for freedom. Their sense of duty was inspiring. Unfortunately, most of that generation is gone. There are less than 1% of World War II veterans still alive today. Brokaw’s book keeps their wisdom alive though as we can still learn from them. We have a lot to learn from them if we are to keep this great experiment called America still moving forward. If you want a good book that will wow you and maybe humble you a little then go pick up “The Greatest Generation” by Tom Brokaw.

Help Heal My Marriage - 17. Call a Cease Fire

By Daniel Crosby • February 17, 2025

17. Call a Cease Fire The problem with retaliation and revenge is that it becomes perpetual. My attack causes your counterattack causes my sneak attack causes you to launch your nukes and so on. This cycle only stops when one of two things happens. Either one of us destroys the other and the marriage or one of us decides to stop retaliating. I’m challenging you, the one hearing this, to be the one to choose to stop. Here are three ways to stop the ongoing attacks: 1. Put down your gun – This means taking a deep breath, lowering your voice, and sitting down if you’re standing or pacing. In essence, become less of a threat. 2. Surrender…sort of – Waving the white flag isn’t necessarily defeat if you think of it as living to fight another day. Say things like, “I’m tired of fighting.” “I need to stop talking about this for now.” “We can’t keep doing this.” (Refer back to our timeout topic earlier) 3. Begin peace talks – State what’s true like: “I know we love each other AND I also know that we totally disagree about this AND I know there’s a place we can come to an agreement on AND I know right now is not the time to keep going in circles AND I want to talk about it tonight when I get home around 6:30 if you’re willing.” Go Time: Which one of you is the more mature one that is going to choose to stop the cycle? Trick Question! No one wants to be the less mature one. If you’re both trying to be the mature one then this thing might just work out ok! Every day I help hurting frazzled people by walking with them as they get back on the path toward becoming who God created them to be. Shoot me an email if there’s anything I can do to help you or someone you know. daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com