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Help Heal My Marriage - 8. Eliminate Criticism
Daniel Crosby • October 8, 2024
8. Eliminate Criticism
I recently heard a challenge on a podcast that said, “Try to completely eliminate criticism from your marriage.” Criticism might be one of the greatest threats to a marriage.
Dr. John Gottman certainly thinks so. He even names Criticism as one of his “Four Horsemen” that signal that the end of your marriage may be near.
*See Gottman’s excellent book “The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work” for more on this.
Eliminating criticism doesn’t mean that you can’t disagree with your spouse. It just means that you’re not going to tear your spouse down as a person with your disagreements.
Here are 3 ways to eliminate criticism:
1. “Use a gentle startup and ask for what you want.” *Gottman
Straight from Gottman, try being nice and making a specific request rather than telling your spouse how terrible they are for not meeting your requests.
2. Focus on the positive
Every person has positive and negative characteristics. Which ones are you focused more on? Try noticing and speaking the positives rather than the negatives.
3. Use “I” statements
Rather than saying: “YOU always start a fight when we talk about money.”
Trying saying: “I’M struggling with how we can’t talk about the finances without fighting and I want us to learn to do it better.
It’s Go Time:
Do a quick Google search of Gottman’s 4 Horsemen and do a little self-inventory of what areas you need to work on.
Every day I help hurting frazzled people by walking with them as they get back on the path toward becoming who God created them to be. Shoot me an email if there’s anything I can do to help you or someone you know. daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com
“My Life and Work” by Henry Ford is the autobiography by the famed automaker. Yes, that Ford, like the one in your driveway. Why read this one? One, I’m obsessed with learning. Two, I read things that are interesting to me. Three, I want to be successful and not waste this life God gave me. One way I can succeed is from learning from interesting people who succeeded in the past. Success is relative, and while I don’t want to start a car company, I do want my life to have an impact in some way. Henry Ford’s life and work were fascinating. Three things I learned: 1. Ford had an attitude of persistence. He kept going until he found what worked. Setbacks are not failures, just opportunities to try again. 2. Ford knew that people mattered. While known for his radical and maybe even perfectionistic efficiency when it came to inventing the assembly line, he never lost sight of the value that individual workers have in making that system work. 3. Ford believed in service above profit. He knew that if he gave the customer a good product at a fair price and treated them well then the profits would take care of themselves. What all could we accomplish if we simply lived and worked by those 3 principles?
Here's the antidote to numbing, self medicating, and distraction. It's simple. Connection If that antidote is to painful for you, you might want to come chat with me. Together we can make sense of what is getting in your way. www.danielcrosbycounseling.com
So if you work in corporate America and have to lead or attend meetings, then this book is a must read for you. Do yourself in those you work with a favor and read it today. If you have ever attended a meeting and thought to yourself, “I am bored out of my mind and this could have easily been done in a short email,” then read this book and you will be entertained. “Death by Meeting” by Patrick Lencioni is a phenomenal read. I love the way he writes because he takes what could’ve been a really boring step-by-step business book and he creates a narrative fable in which he teaches us. As I was reading the book, I couldn’t help but think to myself, “Yep, that’s why those meetings were so terrible for all those years.” And when I say that, I am pointing a finger back at myself because I helped lead some of those meetings. Most people don’t want to change and most people like the status quo in their comfort. Changing the way you do meetings at your organization is going to create some friction and take some work, but the reward for it on the other end might blow your mind. If you don’t know what to do, then start by picking this book up and learning while being entertained by “Death by Meeting” by Patrick Lencioni.
