Help Heal My Marriage - 8. Eliminate Criticism
Daniel Crosby • October 8, 2024
8. Eliminate Criticism
I recently heard a challenge on a podcast that said, “Try to completely eliminate criticism from your marriage.” Criticism might be one of the greatest threats to a marriage.
Dr. John Gottman certainly thinks so. He even names Criticism as one of his “Four Horsemen” that signal that the end of your marriage may be near.
*See Gottman’s excellent book “The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work” for more on this.
Eliminating criticism doesn’t mean that you can’t disagree with your spouse. It just means that you’re not going to tear your spouse down as a person with your disagreements.
Here are 3 ways to eliminate criticism:
1. “Use a gentle startup and ask for what you want.” *Gottman
Straight from Gottman, try being nice and making a specific request rather than telling your spouse how terrible they are for not meeting your requests.
2. Focus on the positive
Every person has positive and negative characteristics. Which ones are you focused more on? Try noticing and speaking the positives rather than the negatives.
3. Use “I” statements
Rather than saying: “YOU always start a fight when we talk about money.”
Trying saying: “I’M struggling with how we can’t talk about the finances without fighting and I want us to learn to do it better.
It’s Go Time:
Do a quick Google search of Gottman’s 4 Horsemen and do a little self-inventory of what areas you need to work on.
Every day I help hurting frazzled people by walking with them as they get back on the path toward becoming who God created them to be. Shoot me an email if there’s anything I can do to help you or someone you know. daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com
Look for beautiful things when you're restless, uncomfortable, or on edge. There's something about acknowledging the good around us that helps us reset and realize that it's not all bad. If you're struggling to see beautiful things in the world, come see me and we can talk more about it. www.danielcrosbycounseling.com
“The Needs of the Heart” by Chip Dodd is a book that will blow your mind. When I picked it up, it’s a very small thin book. Less than 100 pages. I assumed I’d breeze through it in a couple of hours. About a month later I finished digesting it. The truth is we cannot fully live the life God has called us to unless we acknowledge that we do have needs, that these needs are good, and discover the healthy ways of meeting these needs. Chip takes common human needs like Security and Accomplishment and he unpacks what they really are pointing us to in his typical concise but brilliant depth. There’s no fluff here. With chapters just 3-4 pages each, you’re going to want to have a highlighter ready to underline, to ponder these topics, and maybe then to discuss them with someone you know and trust. You’ll come away from this book with a deeper sense what is already fulfilled within you and ones that might be lacking where you need to go do a deep dive with a lot of prayer and introspection. If you liked Chip’s book “The Voice of the Heart,” this is one is your next read. Go grab “The Needs of the Heart” by Chip Dodd.
Two ways a counselor might help you get uncomfortable and grow: 1. Systematic Desensitization is progressively working your way up to do harder things until you reach your goal and the hard things don't feel as hard anymore. 2. Flooding is when you conquer the struggle by going all in and confronting it head on. It's like teaching someone to swim by throwing them in the deep end of the pool. Could these things help you overcome some complacency? Come see me and we can talk more about it. www.danielcrosbycounseling.com
