60 Second Marriage Recap - Reestablish Safety
Daniel Crosby • October 4, 2024
7. Reestablish Safety
One of the most pivotal steps to healing a struggling marriage is reestablishing safety. When I say “safety” I typically mean emotional safety. If you’re hitting and throwing things at one another then we have bigger problems to address.
Emotional safety lets us both let down our guards and become our real selves again. Without emotional safety, we can’t have healing conversations because we’re still having survival conversations.
The challenge is you may be the one who should act first. If you become safe for your spouse they may slowly begin to let down their guard as well.
Here are 3 ways to show your spouse that you are safe:
1. Validation
Find a point in your spouse’s argument that you can agree with and tell them that. Let them know that you see their point on that part of the argument.
2. Transparency
Be open and honest. Go first in showing them the evidence they’re asking for. Go above and beyond to let them see all your cards in the argument.
3. Consistency
Keeping a small promise creates emotional safety because your spouse will begin to be able to count on you again. Small things grow into bigger things, good and bad.
It’s Go Time:
In your latest “spirited discussion” what is a point that you partner was trying to make that you can go to them and tell them you agree on? It’s a start!
Every day I help hurting frazzled people by walking with them as they get back on the path toward becoming who God created them to be. Shoot me an email if there’s anything I can do to help you or someone you know. daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com
Look for beautiful things when you're restless, uncomfortable, or on edge. There's something about acknowledging the good around us that helps us reset and realize that it's not all bad. If you're struggling to see beautiful things in the world, come see me and we can talk more about it. www.danielcrosbycounseling.com
“The Needs of the Heart” by Chip Dodd is a book that will blow your mind. When I picked it up, it’s a very small thin book. Less than 100 pages. I assumed I’d breeze through it in a couple of hours. About a month later I finished digesting it. The truth is we cannot fully live the life God has called us to unless we acknowledge that we do have needs, that these needs are good, and discover the healthy ways of meeting these needs. Chip takes common human needs like Security and Accomplishment and he unpacks what they really are pointing us to in his typical concise but brilliant depth. There’s no fluff here. With chapters just 3-4 pages each, you’re going to want to have a highlighter ready to underline, to ponder these topics, and maybe then to discuss them with someone you know and trust. You’ll come away from this book with a deeper sense what is already fulfilled within you and ones that might be lacking where you need to go do a deep dive with a lot of prayer and introspection. If you liked Chip’s book “The Voice of the Heart,” this is one is your next read. Go grab “The Needs of the Heart” by Chip Dodd.
Two ways a counselor might help you get uncomfortable and grow: 1. Systematic Desensitization is progressively working your way up to do harder things until you reach your goal and the hard things don't feel as hard anymore. 2. Flooding is when you conquer the struggle by going all in and confronting it head on. It's like teaching someone to swim by throwing them in the deep end of the pool. Could these things help you overcome some complacency? Come see me and we can talk more about it. www.danielcrosbycounseling.com
