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Help Heal My Marriage - 10. Friends or Foes?
Daniel Crosby • Oct 22, 2024
10. Friends or Foes?
Marriages often implode when the hopeful belief we’ve always had about our marriage is unexpectedly exchanged for a contradictory fearful or hopeless belief.
You married your spouse because they seemed different than all the other people you had dated. They are “the one!” You knew that if you could spend the rest of your life with them then they’d have your back and you’d always have a safe place to come back to.
Suddenly, a financial deception, an affair, or an exposed secret rocks your world. Your spouse goes from your greatest ally and protector to your most feared adversary and enemy.
CONFUSION!
3 Ways to Turn Foe Back to Friend:
1. Reminisce
Retell your spouse the story of how you met and why you picked them from your perspective. Those were better days and remembering the good can help us get through the bad.
2. Responsibility
Take responsibility for how you’ve not been a trustworthy friend to your spouse. Tell your spouse how you’ve messed up and let them know that you get how your mistake made them doubt your safety.
3. Request
Ask your spouse if they are willing to let you slowly rebuild trust again. Ask them what types of things they would need to see to begin to be able to trust you again.
Go Time:
Sit down with your spouse tonight and have fun retelling the story of how you met and your first date.
Every day I help hurting frazzled people by walking with them as they get back on the path toward becoming who God created them to be. Shoot me an email if there’s anything I can do to help you or someone you know. daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com
12. Judgement vs Acceptance I had to go to court last week. (Maybe I should mention that I wasn’t the one in trouble.) No one was there because they wanted to be. We were there because something bad had happened. There’s that tension where we know that eventually the judge is going to seal our fate and past judgement. GUILTY! In your marriage, have you created an atmosphere in which you are passing JUDGEMENT or one of ACCEPTANCE? Judgement creates fear and distrust. Judgement will push them further away. Acceptance creates vulnerability and safety. Acceptance draws people nearer. 3 Ways to Increase Acceptance: 1. Celebrate Differences Embrace and appreciate the differences between you and your partner. Instead of focusing on how you’re different or how you clash, highlight and celebrate these differences as strengths. 2. Respect Boundaries Understanding and respecting these boundaries helps to build trust and shows that you value each other's autonomy and individuality. 3. Practice Forgiveness Acknowledging mistakes, both yours and your partner’s, can create an environment where both people feel safe to be themselves without fear of harsh judgment. Go Time: The Verdict: “We the jury find this marriage…..” How would you and your partner answer that question? Guilty/Not guilty? Depending on how you answered, it might be time to have a conversation about what to do next. Every day I help hurting frazzled people by walking with them as they get back on the path toward becoming who God created them to be. Shoot me an email if there’s anything I can do to help you or someone you know. daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com
11. Christian Expectations in Marriage I read a delightfully painful book a few years ago by Gary Thomas called “Sacred Marriage.” It made me do some real soul searching. His idea is that maybe God created marriage NOT to make us HAPPY all the time, but to make us more HOLY, to make us more like Him. In my relationship with God, I often don’t communicate with Him very well, I get mad at Him when He doesn’t do what I want, I cheat on Him with things that I deem more worthy of my attention, and then I come crawling back when those things don’t fulfill me. What if your marriage was like that? Would you stick with it? God’s idea for Christian marriage is that we can practice, in just a tiny way, the love He has given us. His challenge is thus: “Daniel, do you see how I respond to you when you aren’t a great bride in our relationship? I still love you anyway don’t I? Now go and do that with your wife.” Go Time: No steps this time. This is more about a change in posture or philosophy. Lean into your spouse with grace and humility not with pridefulness and judgement. What if you loved them in spite of those little flaws that drive you nuts, recognizing that you have some of your own? See why reading that book stung a little? Every day I help hurting frazzled people by walking with them as they get back on the path toward becoming who God created them to be. Shoot me an email if there’s anything I can do to help you or someone you know. daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com
11. Christian Expectations in Marriage I read a delightfully painful book a few years ago by Gary Thomas called “Sacred Marriage.” It made me do some real soul searching. His idea is that maybe God created marriage NOT to make us HAPPY all the time, but to make us more HOLY, to make us more like Him. In my relationship with God, I often don’t communicate with Him very well, I get mad at Him when He doesn’t do what I want, I cheat on Him with things that I deem more worthy of my attention, and then I come crawling back when those things don’t fulfill me. What if your marriage was like that? Would you stick with it? God’s idea for Christian marriage is that we can practice, in just a tiny way, the love He has given us. His challenge is thus: “Daniel, do you see how I respond to you when you aren’t a great bride in our relationship? I still love you anyway don’t I? Now go and do that with your wife.” Go Time: No steps this time. This is more about a change in posture or philosophy. Lean into your spouse with grace and humility not with pridefulness and judgement. What if you loved them in spite of those little flaws that drive you nuts, recognizing that you have some of your own? See why reading that book stung a little? Every day I help hurting frazzled people by walking with them as they get back on the path toward becoming who God created them to be. Shoot me an email if there’s anything I can do to help you or someone you know. daniel@danielcrosbycounseling.com
